Marriage: Rules and Roles

If you were to take three people:  One who is a college student, one who is his father's age, and one last one the age of his grandfather and asked them how their view points on family were, what would you expect to hear?  More than likely, you could expect to see more emphasis of the importance of family and the roles that come with it from the grandfather.  Why is this?  It is because as time has gone along, the importance of families has dwindled.

Most of the influence comes from the change in trends of marriage.  Some of the trends you can see if that of marriage occurring later on in age, the birth rates are declining, more and more couples are cohabitating, and there are fewer people actually getting married and living alone.  

If this is true, then who is getting married?  Research has shown that those who are educated and those who are religious are the ones who are marrying.  There are simple reasons behind this.  Those who are religious tend to be more conservative and old fashioned.  they have strong beliefs in the importance of family, and they have a law of chastity to follow.  Those who are educated have more access to people who are potential marriage partners, they share the same goals with others who are educated, and they are more able to provide for a family.

Once a couple does decide to get married, there are rules and roles to abide by.  Once a couple is married, they should share the goal to constantly be building their marriage.  The most vital part of it all is to build trust between your spouse.  Distinct boundaries should be implemented and marriage issues should be kept between husband and wife.  Keep your issues between the two of you and work things out.  One thing I learned from class is avoid discussing things with opposite gender friends. As you talk with them, you release those feelings and they are the ones who you relate to and odds are, you will relate the feelings of listening and comfort with those friends rather than your spouse, and feelings will build towards that friend.

The Know Quo: DATING and what comes along with it

All growing up, you fantasize over who Mr. Right will be.  You grow up with the stereotype of prince charming or a man who will come in a swoop you off of your feet.  The guy who has perfect qualities.  But what comes first? Of course it is THE LOOKS.  You have to admit that when you find someone you are interested in, they have the looks which intrigue you.

But really let's be honest.  Three main things are what make one person attracted to the other one.

PHYSICAL
         When someone is attractive, you see less faults (subconsciously).  Take for example the Brigham Young University-Idaho student we will call "Stacy".  Stacy is a typical girl you would see on campus.  One day she was going up the stairs into a building and her shoe came off.  In a quick moment, a man was there to put the shoe right back on her foot for her.  It was her little Cinderella and glass slipper moment.  When she was asked what she thought of the situation by her teacher after later explaining the situation, she said it was cute and adorable.  The teacher went on to ask her if the guy was good looking.  She agreed and said he looked pretty good.  The teacher then asked her what she would have thought of the same scenario with a 'not so attractive' guy reaching out to her and putting her shoe back on.  Her reply was something along the line of it would be creepy.  Some creepy guy was reaching into her space.  It would have been awkward.  What was the difference?  PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.

SIMILARITY
          There is just something about someone you meet who has something in common with you.  When you have something in common with someone, you instantly are somewhat intrigued, and in turn become attracted to them.  Sure you hear the cliche saying of opposites attract.  But in all reality if you look at any relationship where two people are in love (or even somewhat interested in each other), you will come to find that they will have something about them which they share in common.  Maybe this is why you hear those stories of people meeting their brother or sister's new boyfriend or girlfriend and being taken back at how similar they look to someone else in the family.  Similarity can be either experience orientated or physically similar.  Either which way ;) there is that spark from having a common ground.

PROPINQUITY
         The last thing which is a culprit in the scheme of making one person attracted to another is that of propinquity or if you are like me and had to look this word up, this simply means access to a person.  In all reality, when you have people who are living together in the same area or acquainted with each other, the odds of attraction increase.  This can be at school, work, your community (neighbor), clubs, or a religious group.  By having access to the person and being around them, you are more likely to find attraction to a person.  Especially the more time you spend with them.  Maybe this is why so many people send their kids to BYU-Idaho; to get them to be surrounded by people with similar values which they can meet and have access to getting to know better.  But that is just a thought.

Okay, so say you are fortunate enough to have found somebody of which you are intrigued by.  You may have even taken the step to say you love that person.  Then what?  How can we tell how well we know each other?  The minimum amount of time to have been with a person and to have even began to "know" a person is three months.  And even then that is just scratching the surface.  Let me introduce you to what I learned last week in class.  It is a little something called "The Know Quo".  There are three basic parts to this concept: time, togetherness, and talk.  Though some refer to the last one as thought.

Time
How long have you known the person?  Not only that,but how long have you been associating yourself with that person?  The suggested time in class was 3-6 months to begin to know a person (like mentioned before)

Togetherness
How often are you and the person sharing activities?  Are you frequently participating in the same things as the other one?  Being with the other person is another part of the the "Know Quo" steps.

Talk
The last of the three is that of talking.  Forming a communication between the two of you.  This step requires mutual self-disclosure.  Are both people in the relationship taking equal chances to express themselves?  Even after marriage, my teacher told us that this step is crucial.  You can obtain it by continuing to date after marriage.  That provides the opportunity to talk openly with your spouse.

Just like a three-legged stool, if you take out one, it becomes unstable.  The three go hand in hand.   If you use these three ideas, you can check how well you truly know somebody.

Alright, enough of that.  I don't want to sound like I actually know what I am talking about.  This is all just what I have gathered from my weekly notes.  If there is one thing I took from this week's discussion of dating and how important it is to date and not to simply "hang out", it is that you marry HOW you date.  Whatever you are doing before you get married,your relationship tends to follow through with similar steps and attributes.

In the end, you will find people you are attracted to.  Who knows, maybe you will have your own GLASS SLIPPER moment and end up happier than you could have imagined.

~Mary

Gender Roles

This week's topic was on that of gender roles.  Are there such things as gender roles?  I personally feel there are gender roles and each individual has his or her own role.  Because I didn't like this week's topic very much, I am not going to post very much.  In fact, I don't even care if nobody looks a this post.  But in short, I guess I will leave you with what I put down on the class's discussion board:

"I found this week's discussion to be a very interesting one, yet a very sensitive subject.  I stayed quiet in class because I liked listening to and absorbing all of the discussion that was going on.  As I sat there, I realized how crucial the role of "mother" and "father" or just "man" and "woman" truly is.  each person is born with a gene to be either a male or a female.  With each of these genders, comes a natural role.  Men tend to be more protective and masculine.  Females are natural nurturers it seems when given a baby.  Yes, there may be some men who are more sensitive and a woman who is more protective/"masculine", but really there is no way of them being completely over in that other realm.  There are two genders.  Many like to believe there is a third of men and women being in the middle.  The truth is either you are a man or you are a woman.  When a man and a woman marry each other, they each have their own traits and characteristics that comes along with their gender role.  With marriage between a man and a woman, they are able to complete each other and become perfect.  Perfect in the sense of being whole.  There is something about men and women being together that has eternal drives.  God created men and women to be together to complete each other.  When you take away one side of the whole, you are no longer complete, whole, or perfect."



So yeah, I am not to fond of this subject.  Even though I know it is a highly debated and talked about subject, I prefer to stay out of things and let the individual person decide for their self  what is right and what ever their decision is, it is between them and the Lord as to how they want to go about with their relationships and taking on their role as a man or a woman.  Either which way, we are told to love.

I thought I would put in one of the comments a classmate put up, and then another classmates answer to it.  He answers it better than anything I could ever say:

"I think it is completely pathetic how we're being introduced to this subject.  We're always told that families are sacred.  I believe that.  I believe that a family is sacred whether it has two dads, two moms, or one of each.  Yes, gender roles are important.  But you know what's more important?  Love.  Do you think that a child raised by two parents of the same sex is loved any less?  Of course not.  And isn't that what matters?  We get so caught up in pointing out how we're all different from each other, that we don't realize the main purpose of being a family.  Love, support, and common-ground.  In class on Wednesday, Brother Williams stated how homosexuality is a "trend", (which I'm not even going to get into right now) but I have to point out a different trend I see in the world, hate and judgments   I don't think that's how Heavenly Father wants to see his children treating each other."

And the response:

"I am not trying to attack you, but I think you're failing to see the purpose of why we are discussing this topic.  I agree with what you said about love.  If we  do not love one another, then it will be impossible to have a successful marriage and family.  Also, it is not our responsibility to judge others.  However, we can recognize when someone is doing something that goes against God's will.  God did not intend for families to have two dads or two moms.  There is nothing sacred about homosexuality. It is a sin just like any other sin.  That does not mean we should not love those people.  We can love the person, but not the sin.  The proclamation states, 'Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.  Husbands and wives-- mothers and father-- will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.'  How can parents truly live the commandments and provide for their children's spiritual needs if they are living in sin?  Happiness and success in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of Jesus Christ.  Our families will never be perfect, but we should be striving for perfection.  'The family is ordained of God.  Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.  Children are entitled to birth withing the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.'  Marriage between man and women is essential to the plan of God.  He does not accept any other types of marriage no matter how much they might love each other.  According to God, children have the right to be born into a family with a loving father and mother.  We should not and cannot deviate from God's plan.  '... we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.'  The importance of the family is disintegrating.  The world accepts and practices things that go against God.  Men and women have very specific roles.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  It is the way that god intended it.  I am going to strive to live by these commandments, even though I know that I will not be able to complete with all of them.  The amazing thing is that we have a loving Heavenly Father who sent His son to die for us.  Through Jesus Christ and the atonement, we can overcome sin and become perfected.  God will always love us no matter what.  He still loves the homosexuals, but I'm sure He will not tolerate their sins.  Like I said before, we cannot judge others but it does not mean that we should tolerate or accept their sins."


Well put my wise class mate, well put.

Either which way, there is always going to be debate over gender roles and who is allowed to do what.  Maybe we should leave it up to the EXPERTS

~Mary

What exactly is this whole "culture" thing?

In class last week, we were discussing cultures.  But what exactly is a "culture"?  I thought it was just the way you were raised.  As it turns out, that was only the surface.  Each of our family experiences is influenced in some way by the social groups to which we belong.  Whether that be social class, or privilege.

The idea of culture is just that, an idea.  It is not created, defined or maintained by skin color, language or geography.  Each family has it's own culture.  This culture is influenced by many factors.

Let's look at Mary, for example.  She was raised on a farm with ten siblings.  She is number 9 of 11, so she had to learn her way around things.  In her family, it was expected to do your part of taking care of the farm. Luckily for her, she was too young to have to move any pipe in potatoes.  She only had to move pipe in wheat, alfalfa, and pasture.  It was expected of us to learn at a young age how to work.  Even if it was as simple as going out to feed a baby calf.  Work ethics was a part of the Turpin family culture.

Not only that, but the Turpins were also religious.  Each school day, they would pray together as a family.  Some more eager than others.  Each Sunday, the Turpin family would wake up and get ready for church.  Mary didn't think much of it.  That is how she was raised- to always get dressed to go to church each Sunday.  This expectancy from the family, or the family 'norm' was the Turpin family's culture.

Now, I know I personally thought originally your culture was related to your class, or your social ranking.  This is a major part of it, but not everything, as you can see.  It all comes down to diversity.  And the leading contribution is the diversity in families.  Whether you are a "high class" and can afford whatever you like, or you are the more of the "simple class" (who knows how to have fun), you are a part of your individual culture.  Whatever that means...


~Mary

Rules a-plenty

Have you ever noticed in each family how there are rules, and then there are "rules?"

What do I mean?  Well, let me tell you.  In my family, there are those rules (and I am sure they are rules in most families) of when to be home at night, where you can go, when your friends can come over and many other rules which are universal, and pretty straight forward.  But then there are the other rules... the ones which are unwritten.  Kind of expected.  The "social norm", if you will, in each family.

What are these mysterious "rules" I speak of?  Well, let me give you an idea.  Say the TV is on.  Who gets the remote?  There is no written rule which says who gets it and when.  In my family, it is kind of more on the terms of first come first serve.  Though sometimes, I feel there was some need for SKILLS which come out on a rare occasion.  Then, when it seems as if you have finally conquered the remote and have won it, mom or dad show up and THEY get the remote.  After all of my hard work.  Everyone knows that mom and dad get the remote before anyone else.  But in the end it is always dad who gets it, and we know how that GOES.

So anyways, this week in my lovely family relations class, we went over the wide variety of  these "unwritten rules" of the family that every family member knows. It seems that they go unsaid and everyone knows them, that is until someone comes over to visit and break one that you sometimes didn't even know existed (Like certain sitting arrangement for dinner). It was fun discussing them.  Some were pretty entertaining.

Do you have any of these so called "unwritten rules" in your family as well?  If so, feel free to leave a comment or two of some that you remember.

~Mary

The Gift of Life

This week in class, we focused on how important family is.  We were given a question to think about through out the week.  

Does it really matter how many children I have? Why, and who is affected by my decisions?

That is quite the question to ask.  In fact, it may even be hard to think about.  I didn't know what to think for fear of offending someone with this post.  But here is my view point on it.  I personally have always known how important it is to continue to have children.  To help open my mind a little more, our teacher put in some quotes from general authorities which really impacted me more.

"There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty? -- To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime.  It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can."

-President Brigham Young

As if this wasn't enough to show to us how it is our duty as individuals to raise children and to teach them what is right, here is another one from President Spencer W. Kimball:

"You did not come on earth just to “eat, drink and be merry.” You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles. “Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives.“

This quote is interesting to me.  I actually am one of those people who rationalize  and would want to postpone in order to develop my education or to make sure I am financially stable before entering into such responsibility.  But the more I think about it, the more I can relate to President Kimball.  Where would I be if my parents had decided to stop having children after just a few.  Or even after eight?  I admire my parents very much, but more so my mother.  She decided to put the Lord's will first and had eleven children.  I am number nine of the eleven.  My parents love each of us, but as you can see... sometimes you get the best one the ninth time.  ;)

But in all seriousness, I have come to see that this class I am in will be opening my mind to a lot more insight of the importance of FAMILY and the bonds that you can only get with and through it.  I am not saying I am going to have a dozen children someday, nor am I saying you should as well.  I am saying that when the time is right and we are given the opportunity to do so, we should have our own families which can grow together. 

To finish up this blog, here is what I concluded at the end of this week for my response to the question:

"We were anxious to get a body and were each allowed that privilege.  Who are we to not allow that same privilege to those precious spirit children who are waiting for the same privilege?  It is a part of our Lord’s plan.  I love this part: “Have your family as the Lord Intended.”  The Lord didn't intend for us to stand idle.  Yes, he wants us to obtain an education.  But he ultimately wants us to follow His plan to procreate.  Coming from a large family, I absolutely love these quotes.  I too, like President Kimball, am very happy my parents decided to have as many children as the Lord wanted them to have.  It was not easy for my parents to raise all eleven of us, but they did it.  I learned from them that if you put your faith in the Lord and do as He has intended, everything will work out.  It makes all of the difference, and it has eternal consequences as to how many children you do decide to have.  After reading more about family and quotes from general authorities, I have come to realize how truly crucial procreation is to the plan of salvation."

~Mary

New Beginnings, New Mysteries

Okay, so here it is.  The one thing I promised myself I would NEVER do. In fact, I am pretty sure it almost made my new years resolution list to not do this. I have created a blog.  I know what you are thinking, "Mary made a blog?"  Yeah, I am still in shock myself.  Let me explain to you what possessed me (actually more like forced me) to make one of these.

I am a student at BYU-Idaho.  I am entering into my third semester here.  I absolutely love it here.  One of the classes I am required to take because of my major is Family Relations.  I forced myself out of bed early so I could make it to my 7:45 class.  I honestly had no idea what to expect of this class.  The first matter of business was to announce homework.  Believe it or not, Brother Williams is forcing us all to break our shells and to make our own blogs.  So here it is.  My first attempt at a blog post.

Luckily, I don't anticipate anyone reading this.  Actually, I am almost certain I will receive no views (Well, other than from my teacher).  But if anyone is daring enough to actually open this blog spot, let me tell you YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.  Along with me comes sarcasm and random thoughts.  I am sure this blog will be full of them.

Anyways, here's to a new year and to New Beginnings.  What will the year 2013 have in store?  I guess we will have to wait and see.

~Mary